I'm going crazy from all these stuff. I knew i had made the wrong decision at the start. Now what? I'm lost and i'm going bonkers. I knew i can't withstand this for too long. Oh, God. I keep asking myself "Now what? What am i going to do?", but there is just no answer. I eat and eat and eat, but realised it couldn't solve any problem. I hate this feeling; i hate this stupid and irritating feeling. It feels like the whole world's going wrong, and it feels like everyone's a stranger.
I hate backstabbers, especially one like her. But surprisingly, i don't hate her. Had a session with Jesus today. He told me that i shouldn't hate that person, because He didn't want to see me skipping a lot of sleep just to think of a plan to sabotage that girl. I replied that i shouldn't, yes, but i just don't like the attitude of hers, the attitude which never fails to piss me off whether or not i'm in a good mood. I'm just irritated by the way she backstabs people and treat it as it has never happened before in front of the person. He said that i should bless the person. He said that it's her own personality to begin with, and the fact that you can't change it means that no matter how you hate her, she still won't change that attitude, would she? Yes, i agree with Him, no doubt. He also said that without love, there can never be hate. So when i hate her, it meant that i loved her. So, i should help her change her attitude to become a better person.
I don't understand. If there must be love, then hate in the first place, why should i even love her? I don't want to love a backstabber, i don't want to love a people who has an attitude like hers. I don't want. I want to love those who deserved to be loved. I want to love those who loves me. I don't want to love such a person. I don't understand why should i. But He said that if everyone was a backstabber, are you just going to hate everyone? Are you just going to isolate yourself when you shouldn't be doing so? Are you going to isolate yourself when everybody's backstabbing one another? Are you going to be one of the backstabbers yourself? I told Him that i won't. I promise and i swear that i won't. I won't let my friends be a backstabber. I won't let my loved ones be a backstabber. I won't let everybody be a backstabber.
Till then, i realised. It was me that i hated the most. It was me that i hated for not being able to change the fact that she was a backstabber. No one else was at wrong. My mistake for hating her instead of helping her and blessing her. I'm the one i had been hating from the beginning.
I'm tired. Really tired. I want a break from this world. I want a break from this big, big world.
To all: Okay, okay.
I'm going crazy from all these stuff. I knew i had made the wrong decision at the start. Now what? I'm lost and i'm going bonkers. I knew i can't withstand this for too long. Oh, God. I keep asking myself "Now what? What am i going to do?", but there is just no answer. I eat and eat and eat, but realised it couldn't solve any problem. I hate this feeling; i hate this stupid and irritating feeling. It feels like the whole world's going wrong, and it feels like everyone's a stranger.